I Don’t Know Anything

I’m approaching 36 in less than two weeks and I’ve realized that I don’t know anything. Maybe that’s my intense nature to remain humble or maybe I’m admitting that in the grand scope of everything, I don’t really think anyone knows anything. I just have a lot going through my mind and I need to process it.

When I was younger, between the age of 18 and 25, I used to keep journals where I would just write chaotically, my thoughts to the keyboard. I haven’t done that in ten years and I want to try it again.

In my career, I spend much of my time working on the web and trying to dissect what people want in the current vertical I work in, but the truth is, I don’t know anything.

I’m fortunate. Ten years ago, I would have never dreamed to have a loving partner, two children, a career in SEO that allows me to work remotely, and a passion for film.

Ten years ago, I was only a year out from going through a divorce and starting over in a city I knew nothing about. I was alone, had no hope of ever having a family, and was working the first job I could find, just to pay the bills.

I was defeated for a moment in my life, but soon after, I decided I wanted more. I knew I was better and I was determined to get it. Or was I? Did I just end up here by luck? Is life even really as good as it seems?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything at all.

As I pause to reflect, I find myself thinking about my kids. I think about their smiling faces. I think about how I let work consume me today, while my daughter looked up at me for attention.

I just started a new position, which I’m very grateful for, but I’m a manager inside a very large organization. I work remotely and it’s a major challenge. It’s exactly what I need at this time in my life, but I don’t know… I don’t know anything. It’s a mantra that I try to chant, because when I started down this path, I was taught by my first director that in order to work in SEO, you have to be able to admit you don’t know everything. I think it’s true.

I do know that I love my kids and that the number one thing in the world is to see them smile. That’s what I live for and on the days like today, where I let work consume my life, I find myself regretting not looking down and instead, typing away as I research into the infinite void that is the internet.

On my lunch break today, I was watching a clip from Pete Holmes talking to Conan O’Brien about how he was “over life” and welcomed the end, because his daughter was born. At that same moment, my father’s wife, a woman he married after his 30+ year marriage with my mom ended, interrupted the video by calling to inform me that he fell off a ladder and was in the emergency room.

I froze and almost went into another world. I didn’t really even listen to what she was saying. All I could process in my head was the video clip combined with the fact that my dad was in the emergency room. I was shocked.

It turns out he is mostly okay and has fractured seven ribs. Still, I guess that’s why I’m up having these thoughts. It feels good to get it out, even though it will go unread.

I have to be in a meeting in 8 hours. I should probably try to shut my brain off, so that I can be sharp. Tomorrow I will look down from my computer to see my daughter smile. Tomorrow, I won’t let work consume me.