I just started my journey on overcoming fearful-avoidant attachment style today.

A month ago, I started seeing a therapist. I’ve struggled with feelings of depression, insecurity, isolation, and a lack of belonging since I was twelve. In my latest years, I’ve experienced crippling anxiety and inferiority. I’ve always been back and forth with these two mental states of depression and anxiety. It was something I always thought everyone struggled with, so I learned to mask it. Telling myself it was just a part of life’s journey was one of the ways I coped.

I learned quickly in therapy that I was wrong about my self-diagnosis. My general practitioner of nine years was wrong, too. Through therapy, I found out I have post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD for short.

It was a shock to me. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve spent my whole life telling myself that everything I’ve experienced, somebody has had it worse. I always describe my life as chaotic and unstable, but then follow up with, “it could be worse though.”

Relationships Are Hard

I’ve always struggled with maintaining relationships. From an early age, I kept people at a distance, even though I was dying inside to be close. I’ve never felt like I belonged to anything, ever. I have had some career success in my recent years, but I never felt deserving of it. This of course lead to me quitting my job before having another job.

By going to therapy, I realized I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. It sums my personality up perfectly and helps shed light on so much of how I interact with people.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

The best way I can describe this personality is the hedgehog’s dilemma. A group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather, but they must remain apart to prevent hurting each other with their spines.

The sad hedgehog wants to be close, but must remain apart

“Hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather, but must remain apart to prevent hurting each other with their spines. “

Wikipedia

Follow My Journey of Overcoming Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

I’m not really certain what this journey holds. Being able to put these behaviors into a category I understand helps a lot and gives me hope that I will come out of this. I will be documenting my mental health journey here on my blog and I hope you’ll come along. This is the first time I’ve felt hope in a very long time.

Marshall Malone Mental Health